On the long drive back from my grandmother’s funeral in Michigan, I turned her ring over and over in my hands. Suddenly, I realized that there was an inscription inside the tiny wedding band. I finally was able to make out, “Jack to Shirley, 1949.” This was from my grandfather to my grandmother. They would have been married 75 years this year. WOW.

This makes my husband and I look like beginners with our mere 25 years of marriage in comparison. Though, our 25 years is like 3,427 years in Hollywood years. We don’t have a perfect marriage and I’m sure we still have a lot to learn/experience together. What have been our biggest secrets to staying happily married for 25 years? What secrets did I learn from our parents and grandparents and other Christian leaders who have stayed married for the long haul? Well, after careful reflection and conversation, here goes:

Top Ten Tips for Staying Married:

  1. Keep Jesus First- Your faith is the foundation of any marriage. Every single couple I have ever known that has made it in a long term marriage credited their faith in Jesus for helping them make it through. Promises get made and broken every day. A covenant is supposed to be forever. God’s intention for marriage was a beautiful picture of everlasting faithfulness and love between Christ and His Church. Yes, we humans are flawed and marred and divorce is a tragic reality in our world. I know many fantastic Christians who were blind sided with a divorce they did not want, or a divorce after infidelity, addiction or abuse. For these Christians, their faith in a faithful God, even when others are unfaithful to us, can be a lifeline. Because we humans are so messed up, I truly do not know how any marriage can make it without Jesus. The best “weapons” for fighting for your marriage are prayer, shared faith, Godly counsel, Scripture, participating in a church body. A lasting marriage needs Jesus!
  2. Keep dating- My sister and I used to wonder about the girls in Bible College getting the “hag look” as soon as they got married. These girls would be the most gorgeous, fashionable and sought after girls on campus. But as soon as they “got” their man, they immediately wore only sweats, no makeup, hair unkept, stopped showering, stopped shaving… etc. Perhaps they thought, “Well I got him now. I don’t have to be attractive anymore.” Marriage is a relationship that is supposed to go on for life; not a “bait and switch” where your spouse only sees you put in any effort before you say I do. Too many couples spend tens of thousands of dollars on their wedding day, but they do not put the same time and effort into their marriage and life together.  It’s about the marriage, not the wedding day. Dating your spouse needs to continue for life. This means that common interests, keeping a date night, getting away together regularly and working toward common goals is a MUST. Marriage is not a “One and done” one day event.
  3. Do NOT give yourself an “out”. As my husband would say, “Do not give yourself any kind of plan B, in case this marriage thing does not work out”.  None of us should fantasize about what we would do to leave our marriage, to be with someone else. If you give yourself an escape route “if this marriage thing gets too tough”, well, guess what, it will get that tough and you will use that escape route. Don’t build escape routes or dwell on contingency plans.
  4. Be careful during the high risk times- death of a loved one, job change, move, birth of a child etc. These are the highest risk times for a marriage.  Every single engaged couple always says the same thing, “Oh not us. We never fight. He/She is awesome. So perfect. We know how to talk through things. God just make us for each other.” They stare at each other all gooey eyed. And every person in the room who has been married for awhile looks at each other and nods. It is pointless to try to reason with a new couple in love. They already know everything.  But marriage is not just the sunny times of planning a wedding. Marriage is also 4 a.m. when you are up AGAIN for the 4th time that night to feed the baby, even though it was HIS TURN and you feel a cold coming on. Marriage is working a 13 hour day and coming home exhausted and frustrated to a wife who is cranky and serving PB and J again for dinner. The strength of a marriage is not seen during the honeymoon. The strength of a marriage is shown- and further forged- during the death of loved ones, parents etc. There will be fantastic vacations, birthdays- also lost jobs, financial woes and illnesses. Psychologists say that the highest risk times for a marriage are during the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or a job change, a move or the birth of a child.  If you are in ministry, chances are that you and your spouse have faced times when you were neck deep in all of the above…Trust me, I’ve been there. My husband and I fought all of 5 times in our first five years of marriage. Then came year 6 when our first baby was born, we moved, we changed jobs, faced illness and for awhile stopped sleeping. Yeah- marriage took on a different tone then. But in the end, it made our marriage so much stronger. God got us through. It is important to recognize when you marriage is going to be under intense strain. This is when your faith and your support system will be crucial. And remember, it is a season. And seasons don’t come to stay, they come to pass.
  5. 80/20 principle- I learned this principle from a professor marriage counselor who was on staff at our church. He taught that every single married person believe that they are doing 80 percent of the work in a marriage. Their own spouse will then swear that no, they are doing 80 percent of the work for the marriage. He concluded that in most marriages, each partner will feel that they are doing 80 percent of everything. He urged each spouse to embrace that feeling, to serve each other. He said that marriage “didn’t add up like ordinary math.” A great marriage consists of 2 people each giving more than 80 percent to make it work.

Now, please stay tuned for next week, when I go over the other 5 best tips I have ever gotten on staying married for the long haul. And YES…one of them is all about SEX. More on that next week. Love you all- Happy Marriage! Love Trisha and Scott

A few great quotes on marriage-

“Try to remember how you felt at your wedding, especially when you are disagreeing with your spouse. This is so hard to do. The focus needs to be on resolution, not “winning”.- Scott, my husband of 20 years 🙂

“Medical staff continually asked how long we had been married, and then wanted to know what the secret was to 43 years—”humbly serving one another the way God intended, and the way we vowed.” I’m thankful they could see that being lived out, even in the most difficult of situations.-Tina Houser

“We just grew up in a time when something broke, you fixed it- you didn’t just throw it away.” (couple married 65 years, when asked how they stayed together so long).

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